View from the Barnyard


Okay – Editor, I’m guilty of using butcher paper to write my column on. Don’t I at least get brownie points for recycling paper?
This Saturday I sent out this text: Note to self — do not ever, ever buy a bottle of wine called “Dynamite” from the sale grocery cart for $3.97 … my life is plagued by bad decisions.
Corey’s reply was, “Your bad decisions make for good stories.”
Saturday in Mitchell’s Coborn’s, a man started kicking and hitting the ATM while loudly calling it an S.O.B. numerous times. The grocery checkouts fell silent.
My checkout attendant commented, “I was used to that behavior when I worked at the state hospital, I didn’t expect it here.”
I replied, “What can you really expect from a man wearing sweat pants in public.”
While chatting with Anastasia Beaverhausen and her beau, Dave, at Shay’s in the Ramada Inn, a distraught woman started yelling at the bartender that her “bracket was broken!” I am so far out of the loop I thought her T.V. was broken in her room. It turned out she had lost her bet on the teams in March Madness. I live a sheltered life.
Esther was amazed I stayed up ‘till 10 p.m. at her house. Usually I crash early. I told her the next morning I felt it was my duty to stay up in case Dave tried to sneak in. Now I know what our parents felt like. He-he-he!
How to tell if you’re too old to be in a store? After a visit to Rue 21, the only thing I was able to wear was perfume.
I still have never gathered up the courage to ever stroll down a supermarket aisle that has an incontinence label above it. It reminds me of seeing a Highway Patrol on the road and you get nervous even if you’re not guilty of anything.
I am constantly pondering the statement that “Love is forever.” The divorce rate proves otherwise. Wisely, it would seem more cost effective to sign up for marriage contracts that you could renew every three years if both spouses were agreeable. I read once that if newlyweds treated their marriage like a business they opened and wanted to be successful, they would put more effort into it. I’m all for this plan.
I mean really, haven’t we all witnessed couples at restaurants or other events that don’t exchange one word with each other, or worse yet, are glued to their cell phones the entire time? I wonder on long-term relationships that surely there are times when they just want to take a ball-peen hammer and tap their partner between the eyes smartly a couple of times to make a point.
Alas, I will keep my hammer in the toolbox because I fear when we disagree, I would hit too hard and too frequently. His nickname is “Bullhead”!
Dee Baby

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