As the end of the world – Dec. 21 – speedily approaches I often ponder what my purpose in life has been. I now know – I was put on this Earth to save Claude from himself.
Claude is a nocturnal insomniac who rarely sleeps an entire night without roaming the house – watching TV and the refrigerator (yet, he constantly complains about his inability to lose weight). Now a new problem has manifested itself in our lives – infomercials.
For the first 40 years of his life Claude was busy wrecking himself, now he’s on a mission for the last 20 years to heal himself. He is his own worst enemy.
It all started with the elliptical commercial and Claude announced that would be his weight salvation. Thankfully Georgia convinced Claude to try hers before spending $500. (Georgia used hers as a clothes rack.) That elliptical soon became quite literally the elephant in my dining room. Claude would mount it a couple of times a week and do 30 revolutions and pronounce himself physically fit. I seethed every time I looked at it and its inactivity.
I strongly suggested he walk a couple of miles every day instead (which would be interesting in cowboy boots since he hasn’t worn tennis shoes since high school basketball). He informed me that he walks every day from the silage pile to the house. Cole even entered the argument and informed Claude he had to do at least 30 minutes on the ellipitcal in order to make a difference. Claude’s reply – “What do you want me to do, have a heart attack?”
Next up when I arise one morning, he declares he has found the miracle cure to all his aches and pains, “Strauss Heart Drops” to the tune of $200 for an 8 oz. bottle. Daily you put in a perfect world, a drop under your tongue three times a day. Has anyone at the sale barn seen him do this at lunch? Please contact me. These pills guarantee 100 percent satisfaction for anything from high blood pressure – impotence – cold feet or constipation. I opened the bottle and smelled it. I diagnosed garlic juice. (Address on bottle – Calgary, Canada.)
This past week I arise to a new exercise announcement. The latest infomercial that caught Claude’s eye was a piece of equipment that will hang you upside down and stretch your spine. I felt my “nerves” already stretching as to the space this new miracle machine would take up. Claude proceeded to inform me that “Bobba Louie” (Billy Goergen) owns one. I said go try his out before you spend $1,500. Claude refused to even entertain that idea and pronounced he would own his own. I then dug in like a mule and proclaimed that machine would not cross the house threshold. It could go into the heated shop or garage. “I refuse to have you hanging upside down like a bat in the house.” Still Claude persisted (they didn’t name him, “Bullhead” for nothing). I retaliated by telling him if his stomach hung upside down it would smother him.
We have declared a physical fitness cease-fire for Christmas. Claude wanders the house listlessly at night mesmerized by unfulfilled fitness promises. He sadly tells me he will soon die and knows, “He’s not long for this world.” I smiled back at him and assured him, “You don’t have to worry about dying because I will kill you before then.”
Happy Holidays
Dee Baby and
Country Claude