View from the Barnyard

I Can Fly

By Dee Baby Baysinger

For the last three days of our trip, we uprooted from our Riverside Plantation and moved over to a different locale, “The Portofino,” a hotel that is the mirror image of a seaside village in Italy with cobblestone streets and boats in the bay. I had to pinch myself a few times because the view was breathtaking and so were the hotel rooms. Being the Redneck I am, I sent out pictures of the bathroom.
The day we hit Epcot Center we were lucky enough to hit the international wine and cheese festival. Every country featured about four food/wine/beer selections for $5 each. I dabbled in Greece and tasted cheese with ground pistachios and honey.
Every time I think of Greece, I laugh. Hank Kogel once traveled there on business and I inquired what the people were like. He told me they were mean like they were from Letcher. (I’m sure he was referring to the time period in the ‘70s when things were rocky between Woony and Letcher.) They always told us back in high school not to stay in Letcher after dark or you would lose your virginity.
Anyway, I sampled wines in France. The girls went around the world two times and got sunburned, but Georgia settled in at the Irish pub making new friends. (Much to the girls’ embarrassment we continued to visit with strangers.) We found Georgia at day’s end surrounded by six young men regaling them with her stories. They begged for me to leave her but I knew I had to steer her back and avoid a migraine in the morning. Sorry, Claude, but Jody and Tracy said Argentina had the best beef chislic.

“THE PORTOFINO” hotel.

The hotel provided boat transportation to Universal Studios. There we would do the pinnacle of the trip, “Harry Potter World.” The castle and village were incredible. I ate caramel apples covered with pecans for breakfast each morning. Georgia fed the loose nuts to squirrels and birds. The dragon challenge roller coaster looked terrifying and Jody wanted another rider to go with her. Tracy said a firm “No” and when Georgia looked to me I said, “Don’t look at me, she didn’t come from my loins.” Georgia went.
We enjoyed Universal more because the people congestion was better. We attended “Fright Night” where they feature seven famous haunted houses. We waited one and a half hours to get into the “American Werewolf in London.” We clutched the back of each other’s shirts and it was scary but decided the wait was way too long. We crept down streets with London fog that were filled with lurking zombies. I went in fearless but one hiss behind my neck and I was screaming and running.
Our favorite rides included Popeye’s Raft Ride. The ride operator told us he would take care of the dry spots on us after the Jurassic Park Riverboat. I loaded up on extra Dramamine and faced the Harry Potter ride, where you zoom on a reality broom complete with a dragon. The girls told me it wasn’t bad. I got off, looked at them and said, “You lied”.
We relaxed nightly at the hotel with drinks at Sal’s Market Deli. Nightly an opera singer sang above us on the balcony and “Pretty Woman” was right, even though you don’t understand the words it’s the emotion and passion you feel. They had a ritzy party by the lake Friday night. We were divided by the gold rope. We played fashion police and judged the outfits and laughed at women trying to walk in six-inch heels.
It was there that a couple came over to talk. They were nice but what I refer to as “clingers.” The man said they were here for “Avatar.” (I thought, geez I missed that ride.) We finally shook them off when Georgia insisted we find a bar. It was then they slipped cards into our hands. Tracy googled “Avatar” and it is an offshoot of Scientology. There are three levels – intern, wizard and master. They practice compassion to lonely people and the card said they could practice on other life forms. Since I don’t think Georgia and I look lonely, we must be in the life form category. Tracy said she answered her door once to Jehovah’s Witnesses but forgot she had lotion all over her face. Georgia said she should have said, “I practice voodoo and I’m gonna sacrifice my dog.”
On the trip home we were separated from Tracy into another line at the airport. She said she glanced back and could see our mouths open like baby chicks that lost the hen. She came back, tapped the official on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, I’m their interpreter.”
We came away from a week together without killing each other, two worldly travelers and two technically challenged women. Georgia’s best words of wisdom were, “If women had the bodies of 20-year-olds and the brains of 50-year-olds, we could rule the world.”
Dee Baby
No More
Roller Coasters

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