From the Barnyard

The Phenomenon Called … Claude

By Dee Baysinger

Cousin Janet texted me a quote this week and it came exactly at a time when I was contemplating the act. It said, “Does it count that you saved someone’s life if you decide not to kill them?”
It’s more than that Claude refuses to learn toilet paper etiquette. He continually leaves one or two squares and I march out to the kitchen, wave it in the air and say, “What do you think I was going to do with this?”
His standard reply, “ I’ve got cattle on my mind, I don’t have time to worry about that s—.”
Now after the robbery I feel I’m locked up tighter than Ft. Knox. After 40 years of never a locked door, Claude patrols and attempts to reprimand me. The money clip is hidden in a different spot nightly. (I’m waiting for him to forget.) Now he’s thinking a security camera would be necessary as a safety measure. Really, what would they steal of worth – his long johns? The very best is he’s worried they could squeeze through the dog door (he’s seen it on TV). More power to them if they meet the blue heeler eye-to-eye on the other side.
Now the latest act that raised my ire… Thursday I came home from work, shucked my socks (I love barefoot) and proceeded to start supper. I soon discovered sticky spots on the tile (I surmised Claude had left a trail while cooking). Later I went to the bathroom and when I arose from the toilet seat – it came right along with me, stuck to my skin and when I turned on the faucet it was covered in goo. I thought, “What has Claude done now?!” I marched out to the kitchen and discovered a Spray ‘n Wash bottle on the counter. I knew immediately what he had done.
Another of Claude’s new obsessions is germs after being raised in a cattle yard. He sprays the house down every morning before he leaves. Instead of his anti-bacterial spray he’d used the Spray ‘n Wash! I tried to shame him but he said it was my fault for buying bottles similar in color. I put them side-by-side – his is blue and white. My laundry spray is green.
I’m writing this exposé at 4:30 Monday morning and came downstairs to find the bathroom rugs missing, plus 10 towels off the shelf and small telltale puddles of water on the floor. I can’t wait to see if Noah was building an ark last night.
– Dee Baby

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